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| Fort Collins, Colorado 1969 |
In June 1969 Joni and I left Galesburg and headed west. She had her Knox College degree, though I
believe we left before graduation ceremonies. Our immediate destination was
Colorado, where Joni would visit with her parents and her older sister, who was
also visiting from Connecticut. I had a
bed in the basement of a house in Fort Collins, and then a space on the floor
in a Boulder apartment.
Partly this was because I was not a popular person with her
parents, or at least, they did not approve of their daughter being involved
with this feckless hippie with impractical dreams and dubious prospects. And long hair.
But I also had a reason to be in Boulder: I had applied and
been accepted at a summer writing workshop, officially the annual Writers
Conference at the University of Colorado.
For even with the beginning of my disillusion at the Iowa Writers
Workshop, I had no other direction or vocation.
Even after Iowa, I kept writing and sending things out to
magazines, literary and otherwise. I
still have appointment calendars from 1968 and 1969 that record nothing but
notes of poems or stories sent out on that date and to which publication, and
notes on the dates when they came back with a rejection slip, and notes on the
date I sent them somewhere else.
In those days there was varied advice on how to manage
manuscripts. The accepted rule then was
you could submit a poem or story to only one publication at a time. Some counseled sending a story to “top
markets” first, and work down to the little magazines. Or (with poems in particular) start with
publications that favor the style or subject of your work.
I tried them both. I
wasn’t very skilled at either, and wound up trusting to luck and serendipity,
especially when desperate, which was frequently. I was also easily discouraged,
so after a few rejections the stories never made it far down the supposed
literary food chain.
This was when you actually received rejection slips and
letters, instead of an unwholesome silence, a judgmental void. There was a kind of code to rejections as
well. A form rejection slip, usual
polite but impersonal, was the bottom rung.
A note or a few handwritten words indicating your work had some merit
was better. A request for more, signed
by an actual editor, was near the top.
The best rejection slips came from a small literary magazine
in the Bay Area called Kayak, edited by George Hitchcock. Hitchcock, Kayak and especially the
rejection slips have become legendary.
The slips themselves used an arcane clip art. Apparently the art itself made pretty clear
when the submission was horrible. (Fortunately I never got one of those, but
I’ve seen them now online.) The others
were funny—or as funny as rejection slips could be. The one I prized did include a handwritten request for more
poems, signed by Hitchcock. (I came across it recently and put it in a safe place. As soon as I figure out where that is, I'll scan and post it. This example is off the Internet.)
Kayak published mostly poetry by the likes of Robert Bly and
James Wright. Hitchcock liked the
slightly surreal—right up my alley. Though I gave up before getting a poem
published there, in the fullness of years I was grateful to be among the near
misses. And I was able to return the compliment by favorably reviewing
Hitchcock’s collection of his own work in the San Francisco Chronicle, where I
mentioned the rejection slips. His
editor let me know that Hitchcock, then in his 90s, had gotten a kick out of
it.
But during that 1968-69 year I only got a couple of poems
published in a really obscure magazine called the Riverside Quarterly, besides
a fiction in the first issue of Knox’s new literary magazine Catch. My first noted literary magazine acceptance
was forwarded to Colorado from the Carleton Miscellany, for, prophetically, a
kind of book review or appreciation of Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five. Check included.
So a writing workshop in Colorado was another opportunity
for what’s now called networking, and maybe learning something useful, if not
about writing, then about the writing biz.
Besides, going to school was about all I knew how to do.
There were several
name writers who taught separate workshops over two weeks in June. I was in the class run by Harlan
Ellison. He came from a different
tradition than the writers in Iowa City, or the ones we read in literature
classes. He wrote for pulp magazines
and now glossy and prestige magazines, primarily science fiction but also
horror and erotica, sometimes under pseudonyms, as well as nonfiction of
various kinds. He went to Hollywood and
wrote all kinds of movies and television.
He won lots of awards, mostly for genre fiction. He wrote a lot. He’d published hundreds of stories by this time, when he was in
the early prime of a long career. His
formal education consisted of 18 months of college.
Ellison was known as a rebel, a gadfly, and an aggressive
adherent and promoter of New Wave science fiction, the latest revolution in the
field. He backed up his Civil Rights
and anti-war credentials with a hip look and attitude. He came into the classroom in bright
colorful shirts of a unique style—maybe Carnaby Street meets Sunset Strip. I remember especially the huge floppy
collars with a kind of exaggerated Peter Pan collar shape. Or maybe the memory
is metaphorical, for that was a major impression I had—that with his boyish
face, his enthusiasm and combative energy, and his small stature, he was a kind
of a countercultural Peter Pan.
Although at the time I met him he was 38.
Ellison’s brash energy and entertaining patter in the
classroom perhaps obscured as much as expressed his actual intelligence. You
can see something of what he was like in his interviews with Tom Snyder on the
Tomorrow Show a few years later, some still on YouTube. (He was one of Snyder’s favorite
guests.)
At the end of our first class he gave us an assignment to
write a few hundred words on the old Reader’s Digest canard: the most
unforgettable character we’d ever met.
I wrote about a fictitious person based on someone I’d just met in Fort
Collins, although it ended with a surreal fantasy.
I was still sleeping
in the basement of a house in Fort Collins rented by, among others, the
boyfriend of Joni’s cousin Mary. One
night Mary took me to a mountain encampment of some freaky friends, and I set
my story there. It was centered on another
young woman who was there, and who Mary had talked about, but only vaguely based
on her. The 1968 Roman Polanski film of “Rosemary’s Baby” must have been a hot
topic (though I’m not sure I’d seen it) because the piece was also a kind of
parody of the idea of an unusual birth.
It was called “Geraldine’s Baby.”

I obviously had been to the University of Colorado Norlin
Library by then, or at least walked up to it, because I used the motto engraved
in stone above its entrance as a quote before the story: “Who Knows Only His
Own Generation Remains Always A Child.”
But I took from it something other than the intended message. In just
about everything I wrote, I was trying to express the realities and the points
of view of my generation, and why we rejected the past; why we fought so hard
to protect our innocence.
Still, I wanted to live a life as a writer, and so I was of
at least two minds—and about three hearts—about the writing biz. I was repelled by the pretensions and fake
preciousness I’d seen in the academy (and feared I saw in the mirror) but I had
not given up the large ambitions. Still, I’d grown up on science fiction, and
now Vonnegut and the New Wave writers were bringing contemporary ideas and
approaches to it. Besides, what fun it
would be to be published in a pulp magazine!
So I was more than willing to listen to Harlan Ellison.
These workshops were also useful as a way to evaluate where you were in relation to your peers, and to
professionals. I was pleasantly
surprised that Ellison singled out my story for praise at the next class. But
it also made me greedy. Ellison had
edited the New Wave anthology
Dangerous Visions, and he was editing its
sequel. The next day he also praised
the story of another participant in our workshop, and word went around that he
bought that story for the new anthology.
I was determined to make that sale with my next story.
At some point I moved to a more convenient distance, to a
small but fairly swanky apartment on Cascade Avenue in Boulder, and a sleeping
bag spot on a shag carpet in the living room.
My host was a tall man with a big beard and long hair named Bill
Stage. He had known Joni’s Knox friend
Kathy, also from Denver, and he grudgingly agreed to let me stay one
night. But when he saw me he had the
opposite reaction that Joni’s parents had—which was typical of those days. Once he saw that I wasn’t a frat boy but
another long-hair, he relaxed and told me I could crash there as long as I
wanted.
My longer story for the workshop was titled “Escape From
Cloud Village.” It was about a young
woman fresh from college who tries to leave her planned suburb but it won’t let
her—lawn sprinklers and hoses, faux antique lampposts, even her own car,
conspire against her. Looking at it now
I see wisps of Vonnegut and Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone. But it does anticipate in a way some of the
suburban creepiness of my contemporary, Steven Speilberg. As well as perhaps one way of looking at
future events in my own life.
The story earned me a one-on-one conference with Harlan
Ellison. I got a typed note from him on
the same kind of yellow second sheet paper I used: “Bring this in to talk to
me. It is extraordinarily good. And in some silly ways you can avoid, very
bad. We should rap about this one. You might be able to sell it.”
I don’t think my conference was his first of the day, for
when I arrived Ellison was restless and a bit distracted. As I entered the room he put a record on a
tiny record player and began dancing with a young woman companion in her flower
power mini-dress. I didn’t know how to
react to that, except that I recall I had the feeling that maybe he was trying
too hard.
I remember a sentence he complimented (“do you know how good
this is?”), the word he said didn’t mean what I thought it meant (not entirely
true, but he was right that it was the wrong word.) He may have told me that the mother’s speech was too much like a
speech—anyway, he should have. And I
waited for more but...that was pretty much it.
I don’t remember a clear direction or advice on publishing it, and above
all, no offer to buy it for the second Dangerous Visions anthology. He
was ready for another dance.
So I left, dissatisfied. I didn’t know what to do next. I
was pretty much where I’d been before the workshop. More generally, lost in the big world, I was feeling the
pressures of reality, though I fought them off. Even as I knew my work wasn’t quite there, I didn’t yet have the
experience nor the temperament to know how to make it better. I rejected the uncomprehending, doubting or
dismissive voices from outside, but their echoes were inside, and deep. I mostly had the wild delight of creating,
as I fought off the fear of a budding self or soul being obliterated.
As for my haughty hopes about the anthology, it would be
several years before
Again, Dangerous Visions was published. Scanning
the contents, I don’t think that story from someone in my workshop is in it—at
least I didn’t recognize the name. I
did, however, recognize many names, like Vonnegut, Ray Bradbury, Gene Wolfe and
other established science fiction writers.
And a novella called “The Word For The World Is Forest” by Ursula K.
LeGuin, which won that year’s Hugo Award and is now one of the immortals, as
well as one of my personal classics. It
makes my greed especially laughable.
The workshops concluded with an outdoor evening of readings
by participants. It was an open
reading, so I signed up to read two poems.
I didn’t get on for awhile, which turned out to be to my benefit.
The poems I selected were fairly long, and they were meant
to be read aloud—in a way the culmination of my experiments at Knox and
Iowa. One was a sound poem titled
“Notable American Fascists.” Each
section ended with a name that was well-known then, though mostly forgotten
now, except possibly for J.Edgar Hoover.
The audience loved it, and excited the performer in me. So I took the microphone off the stand and
held it close to make the sounds into it.
The other was called “Litany”: a form I knew well. I especially remember the mornings in 6th
and 7th grade we spent in the dark, cavernous Cathedral, drowsily
listening on aching knees to one or another of the Catholic litanies intoned on
appropriate days of the liturgical calendar.
I recall writing the first draft of it in Galesburg, possibly alone one
night in Robin Metz’s house the previous summer, on folded gray-white paper
that had been the wrapping of a book.
My litany was full of word play and extravagant language,
occasionally undercut by a joke (a series of tremulous long lines beginning
with the vocative “O,” then undercut by “O Christmas tree.”) The point of view also resonated with the
1969 audience: “Alkaseltzer of the middle class, you O most mascara-ed of
mistreated infants, of wandering and wounded species, instincts gone weird
beyond recall”/ O blossom of the tentative, frightened flower!”
It doesn’t hold up now, anywhere near the way (for instance)
Ginsberg’s “Howl” still does, but it worked for that moment. It benefited by being preceded by the hushed
lines of short poems grounded in small, personal experiences. My lines released that quiet audience
tension in recognition and laughter.
But that was
turnabout—for these poems on a page would likely have been met with embarrassed
silence in a workshop classroom. They
were meant for this, for performance.
So it surprises me now to realize that this was the first time I read my
verses in public away from Knox College.
And it would turn out to also be the last time.
Towards the end of the evening, Harlan Ellison swept in with
his entourage, and read a poem he’d evidently just written about ungrateful
students who only wanted a piece of him.
And then he swept out.
Another memory of this writers conference is distinct and
separate from these other memories. It involves a party.
There were always parties connected with these events
involving writers, and in those days they were drunken parties. This one was at
a private residence. I remember two older writers. One was the novelist Vance Bourjaily, a writer I’d read and
respected (and still respect.)
The other was a man
I’d not heard of, and whose name I can no longer remember. (I should say at this point that in
searching for a photo for yet another writer at this conference, I came upon a
newspaper story about the conference itself that provided his name, which led
me to more information about him. But I’m going to stick to my original plan of
keeping him anonymous. However, I
thought I remembered his first name—and I did.)
He was in his late 40s but seemed older to me. I remember him in a dark suit. He was slightly built, though perhaps a bit paunchy, with a
bristly beard. When I first met
him, he was an easy, nervy raconteur with a wealth of stories and gossip about
other writers, artists and actors—his acquaintances ranged from Robert Frost
and Joseph Heller to Frank Sinatra and Jerry Lewis-- and especially about
editors, publishers and Hollywood producers.
He’d lived mostly in New York in the 1950s and early 60s. I was among a small group listening to him.
The theme mostly was how corrupt the whole writing game was. Good writing wasn’t valued, it wasn’t even
wanted.
He had done a lot of writing for print—mostly magazines but
also books, and some work for film and television, often using pseudonyms. He
claimed he had ghost-written popular novels, including a giant best-seller by a
woman novelist, perhaps Jacqueline Susann. The manuscript was so bad when he
got it, he said, it nearly drove him crazy.
It cost him more than he was paid to do it. He was funny, acerbic, and
seemed to know a lot. He was smoking
and drinking all the while. We probably
all were.
After the party I caught a ride back to campus. I was in the front seat and he was in the
back with his current girlfriend. I gathered that he’d been divorced several
times. He was still talking. Now the
undercurrent of bitterness in his stories became prominent. He was drunk. We
probably all were.
There was a funny conversation in the front seat, so I
wasn’t paying direct attention to him.
But I could hear him getting angrier, less coherent. His girlfriend was trying to calm him, but
then he turned on her. He was nasty to her. That’s what got my attention. That’s what made me resolve I wasn’t going
to end up like him, even if it meant giving up this whole idea of being a
writer. I’m not sure all of this was
entirely conscious at the time, but looking back, that’s the substance of that
moment.
It was only after I came upon his name while looking for a
photo of someone else at the conference that I learned that he died just a few
years after that night. I don’t condemn
his life. He left children and now
grandchildren, he had interesting and accomplished friends, he wrote for high
profile publications and was by most measures successful. But he remained for me a cautionary tale.
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| Bourjaily |
When we got back to campus, he was not among those of us who
joined a few others in the dorm where some of the guest writers were staying.
We were in some sort of lounge, and I wound up at the piano, thumping out the
blues progressions that were very close to the sum total of my repertoire. At that point Vance Bourjaily got excited,
disappeared for a moment and suddenly returned with a trombone in hand.
I’ll never forget the expectant look in his eyes as he
anticipated a mellow jazz jam. He
assumed I was an actual pianist. I wish to this day that I had come up with at
least a chord progression to carry him.
I think I tried, but others intervened with their musical demands, the
scene dissolved into chaos again, and in short order I left. I was a few days shy of my 23rd birthday. My sojourn in Boulder and Colorado was
just beginning.