What "Universal Access" Means

Does the Republican plan for healthcare guarantee universal coverage?  Nope--something better: Universal Access!

Universal Access means everybody can get health insurance!  After all, it's the American way.

Americans have Universal Access to lots more than healthcare, too!  For instance, Americans have universal access to flights in private jets whenever they want one---provided they pay for the private jet.  But other than that, there are no restrictions.  This is America!  (Well, depending on other factors, you might not actually be allowed to fly in it--but you could still own it.)

Universal Access to health insurance also means that you can buy a really cheap policy, way cheaper than under Obamacare.  Of course it won't cover anything much, but it will be way cheap!

But if you want health insurance that covers lots of stuff, even everything, you have Universal Access to those plans, too!  Provided you can pay the very steep prices, which get steeper the older you are.

Listen, you can even have Universal Access to the Universe if you want, if you can pay, if you can wait for faster than light spaceships.  After all, facts are just limitations, and they don't matter anymore.  Universal Access is what they used to call bullshit, when that was still a word and not White House policy.

So don't worry that the Republican plan won't cover everybody, or even everyone now covered under the suddenly popular Obamacare. (CBO Update: 24 million people fewer than Obamacare, which is even fewer insured people than before Obamacare.)  Universal Access is what will make America great again.

(Well, yes, anybody can get health insurance now under Obamacare, but that isn't Universal Access.  Because...well, because they don't call it that.  What is this anyway--fake news?)