Captain Future's Guide to the Oscars

Everybody watches the Oscars but not everyone has the time, money and brain damage to see all of the nominated films. So in the interest of making your Oscar experience, if not better, perhaps shorter, here are some handy summaries of the nominated films. (Not that I've actually seen them, of course.)

Brokeback Capote --the famous writer with the squeaky voice needs a comeback book, so he uses sex to urge a gay cowboy to commit murder, which he does, but tragically the writer has already framed himself for the crime. He then commits suicide on death row because an execution as the ending is like so fifties. In a subplot, Harper Lee has writer’s block, and sends mash note telegrams to Gregory Peck.

Goodbye, Syriana, and Good Luck—A confused George Clooney assigns himself the story of exposing corporate corruption, but the network won’t air it, so he blows them up.

Crash the Line-- a prequel story involving Johnny Cash as a prison team fullback, in the big game against the guards. Subplot includes idiosyncratic personal stories of all the members of both teams, the coaches, their wives, first grade school crushes, their dope dealers, criminal cohorts, members of congress (redundant category?) and other folks back home as they drive to the game on a very slow bus. Dramatic highlight: June Carter as cheerleader who switches sides.

War of the New Worlds--Alien space invaders rampaging across America turn out to be Europeans.

King, Hustle and Kong--King Kong decides to embrace show business but must start by accumulating street cred.

North Point Match Country--- winner of first sexual harrassment suit has extramartial affair with her boss.

The Constant Junebug--- Won’t she ever fit in? While trying to sell retro velvet Elvises in Brentwood, she stumbles on a vast cabal of corporate-owned movie studios conspiring to give each other awards and really nice goody bags.

The Corpse Bride at the Chocolate Factory --- The Bride, a previously animated dead person, finds acting in a live action sequel so stressful that she consumes the entire contents of the Chocolate Factory and dies again, but pretty happy this time.

Harry Potter and the Geisha of Fire-- In the first Harry Potter movie to earn an R rating, a more grown up Harry---like the age of the actor playing him or something-- slips Ron some pretend “magic potion” called Viagra, Jr. for his date with Hermione, so Ron will realize he doesn’t really need it! But Harry has his own encounter with a witch from the mystic East who shows him some spells he never learned at Hogwarts.

Mrs. Henderson Presents A History of Violence-- Soldiers are becoming bored with topless revues so Mrs. Henderson begins staging nude versions of Jacobean dramas and spaghetti westerns.

The Star Wars Chronicles of Darnia: The Lion, the Sith and the Wardrobe--
“Luke” Lucas leads the Secular Jedis into battle against Darth Mel Gibson and the Dark Side Crusaders, as the Emperor Rev. Lewis leaves off darning his socks when there’s nobody there to search the wardrobe for something presentable that isn’t tweed to wear to the Academy Awards.