Cheney Gang-Banging

A roundup of some of the journalistic commentary on Dead-Eye Dickhead Cheney's madman + shotgun malfunction...

[thanks to fbihop at dkos for the TV stuff, and to Crooks & Liars which has the Jon Stewart video:]

Jon Stewart pointed out that Whittington was the first man since Alexander Hamliton to be shot by a sitting Vice President. "Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

In a public service mood, Stewart cautioned parents :"Don't let your kids go hunting with the Vice President. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land , or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted. He'll shoot them in the face."

Stewart in turn solicited analysis from Rob Corddry, his vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst:

Tonight, the Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year old man, even knowing that today, Mr Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr Whittington in the face.[...]He believes the world is a beter place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Whittington's face.

In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

David Letterman's best pot-shots:

Good news, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction - it's Dick Cheney.

We couldn't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78 year old attorney!

And the inevitable Top Ten List:

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses
10.Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm.
9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page.
8. Not enough Jim Beam.
7. Trying to stop the spread of the bird flu.
6. I love to shoot people.
5. The guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter.
4. I thought the guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me.
3. Excuses? I hit him didn't I?
2.Until democrats approve medicare reform we have to make some tough choices for the elderly.
1. Made a Bet With Gretsky's Wife.

Earlier in the day, the print commentators fired away. There were several shooting their mouths off on the Huffington Post, for example.

Bill Maher:

"Keep going, we'll come back for him later, he's fine."

"Um. Sir. Mr. Vice President, he's kinda just laying there."

"Shhhhhh!!!! He's a lawyer. You want him to sue?...Harry? You OK? Harry? See? He's fine. This is just part of the administration's new tort reform package."

I think he's hurt sir. He's bleeding."

"You think he's hurt. Are you a doctor?"

"Yes. I'm your doctor. I travel with you all the time."

"Ah yes. The Jew. I didn't recognize you without the rib spreader."

"I think we need to call one of your ambulances."

"Aw, now why do you want to go and do something like that? If Antonin hears about this he won't come duck hunting next time there's an important case before the Supreme Court that I need him to rule on." ..." Well, do your best."

"I'm stanching the blood flow."

"No you idiot. I meant do your best to make it look self-inflicted."

Christopher Durang:

And if a fellow hunter gets shot, well that's "collateral damage," just like the women and children in Iraq when Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld try to shock and awe them. The collateral damage is a side effect, it's not the intention. Bush-Cheney intend to kill the terrorists, and the quails. And if other people get shot, well you have to accept that as a necessary price since they're protecting us from terrorists. And quails.

At first I thought Cheney had been hunting Dan Quayle, in a delayed reaction to his misspelling of potato years ago. Potatoe as opposed to potato. Early reports of the incident supported this supposition, and claimed Cheney had been shouting, "No e, no e!" as he aimed his gun at his startled hunting partner Harry Wittington.

Later reports indicated that the "No e!" report was an error, and that Cheney instead has a habit of yelling "Ho, hee, ho, hee!" whenever he kills something. "It's sort of a parody of Santa Claus on a rampage," said Cindy Sheehan, Cheney's recently hired new spokesperson.

"Quails are not the only fowl Dick Cheney likes to kill," Ms. Sheehan said. "He also likes to kill owls as well as to wound his grandchildren in the kneecaps."

When you write this up, can you remind your readers that the Cheneys' daughter is a lesbian?" Ms. Sheehan added. "And that they are very proud of her and support her right to exist, though Mr. Cheney has accidentally shot their daughter's partner 7 times."

"But she, unlike the troops, has full protective armor, and so Cheney's accidental attempts to kill her have not yet succeeded."

Al Franken:

Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney shot a man in Texas. Asked why he shot the man, the Vice President said, "Just to watch him die."

You know who's doing a "there but for the grace of God go I?" Scalia.

Now, I imagine that Cheney and the President have hunted together. What would have happened if Cheney had shot the President? I think if he shot Bush this way, Bush isn't 78 and he's in pretty good shape, and he's kinda macho. I think he would've gotten up and shot Cheney back. And I think they would've started blasting each other like in a Tarrantino movie."