In the headlines: Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon
House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi takes on Steven Colbert and his superpac.
Michelle Obama Bests Jimmy Fallon in Tense Competition
A new biography of Albert Einstein reveals the overrated science geek had to write out his theory of relativity on paper because he was too stupid to invent Microsoft Word. "He had to scrawl everything out by hand, like some dumbo. It's a wonder people could even make heads or tails out of it without simple bullet points and auto-numbering."
An Oklahoma lawmaker introduces a bill defining life at the moment of ejaculation. "Every sperm is sacred."
And NASA scientists announce that Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy. Vulcans probably.
Update: The Friday joke.